Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Charting A New Course To The Milky Way

My Mom and I had to take Anderson to the doctor yesterday. It wasn't with our regular doctor in this practice, but the doctor was amazing! I was concerned with a spot on his recently sharpened little pencil (if you catch my drift), which turned out to be absolutely fine, and while we were there they did another bilirubin check because he was still a little jaundiced, and another weight check. His bilirubin levels were much higher than when we left the hospital. He went from 5.9 to 12, which is the on the lower end of "high" levels, but they aren't concerned with it.

His weight was another issue completely. Anderson was born at 8 lbs 2 oz and left the hospital at 7 lbs 13 oz. When he had his follow up visit the day after we were released he was still 7lbs 13 oz, which was fine. The doctors would like for breastfed babies to gain an ounce a day. Well, my little guy went back to the doctor on Monday and he was up to 8lbs even, which means that he had only gained 3 oz in 10 days. The doctor recommended that we start supplementing with formula right away.

I feel so conflicted right now because I had already been toying with the idea of stopping nursing because it just felt like too much when trying to juggle taking care of Jackson and Anderson. I was so torn on deciding what to do because I felt like nursing was going okay, but it was just about killing me because it was taking so much time away from other things. It feels selfish to want to stop nursing just because it would make my life simpler, but at the same time I know that I have to do what is best for my entire family.

So hearing from the doctor that Anderson is not gaining weight like he should lets me off the nursing hook, but I'm still disappointed because I really did feel like nursing was going okay. I thought that this time I had figured out this nursing stuff, and I'm super disappointed that he wasn't getting from me what he needs, and what I thought I was giving him.

So here I am, glad that I get the "okay" from the doctor to start with formula, so he can start gaining some weight, as if somehow that will relieve some of this guilt that I'm feeling because if the doctor recommends it then somehow it's not my fault that we're going the formula route just to make my life easier. I'm upset at the same time that I'm not providing him with something that I know will benefit him in the long run because it will make my life easier. Gotta love postpartum hormones!

So for now I've stopped nursing, although I am pumping a few times a day. I have some milk stored up, and we're spacing those bottles out, and trying to figure out which formula works best for him. It's been a very spitup-ish day! I guess at the end of the day I'm just glad that we figured out that he wasn't gaining weight now, as opposed to 2 weeks from now at our next well baby visit, when he really could have lost a lot of weight.

This new baby stuff is hard, but it's so worth it!

5 random thoughts:

Esther said...

I feel for you! I tried nursing with Emma, and it just didn't work for me. In the end, she was my last baby, so I thought I'd rather enjoy her than stress about nursing. You know?

Also, Emma was a spitty baby too, and we ended up using a lactose free formula that solved all the spitting up issues.

Hope this helps. (((HUGS)))

Lisa said...

you are not alone!!!!!! i had to stop breastfeeding.

Rachel said...

I feel your pain! There is so much guilt associated with nursing and feeding babies in general. I hope this works perfectly!

Kay said...

Don't beat yourself up over it. If it works for you, then great. But it doesn't work for everybody. And especially if he's not getting all that he needs from you, then all the more reason to chart a new course! :)

The Jones' said...

Oh, Amy, I can relate too. I was able to nurse MG for the whole year and then we weaned herself. I could not take any tryptans while I nursed (for my headaches). But being the best baby in the world that she was ( : I could nurse her, lay on the floor with her and let her play and then lay her down for her naps. The h/a's lasted exactly 48 hours. Very weird. But they did not start until she was 3 months old.

With Molly, of course, everything was different. The migraines started when she was 1 week old. And even though the Ped. and my OB told me she would be fine I just worried so much so I nursed for 1 month. And pumped what I could and then started formula. Which we went through about 5 until we found one she could tolerate. Anyway, sorry for all of the details, but my point is I felt so very guilty. Like I was being so bad for not nursing and being judged by others that I always had to explain myself. I was envious when I would read all of the happy blogs about how perfect breastfeeding was, etc. So, all you feel is completely normal. And MG had to have some formula help to because she just would not gain weight. I hope you are feeling ok. I know the hormonal fog is sometimes unbearable at such a joyful time. I will be glad to meet this little cutie. Oh, so now we've got one cutie for MG and one for Molly. They will just be the boys' "older women" and also, make sure they go to med. school. HA!

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