Dear Neighbor/Owner of that stupid dog that barks all stinking night long,
First of all, I want to thank you for the extra exercise I had at 4:00 this morning. There really is nothing like the fresh air of a foggy morning as I wonder the neighborhood in my pajamas and flip flops trying to find out where that blasted barking is coming from. I especially appreciate it that your stupid dog thought it would be nice to quit barking as soon as I came outside so I couldn't find out which house is yours. It's not like I looked crazy at all with my bedhead hair, over sized t-shirt and flip flops wondering around the neighborhood.
I love it that you allow your dog to bark incessantly when other people might be trying to sleep. It's not like your dog is barking in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!! It isn't at all rude to NEVER bother getting the dog to stop barking, or heaven forbid, bringing the dog inside if it won't shut up. It's not like your dog ever.stops.barking.day.or.night.
I'm not quite sure what I would have done if I had found your house this morning. My first thought would be to get in your yippy dogs face and tell it for the love to SHUT UP, and my second thought involved ringing your doorbell to ask if you could for the love make your dog SHUT UP. I don't know if I actually would have done that. I guess in a moment of sheer desperation for silence I don't quite know what I would have been willing to do. It was after all, the middle of the night, and your dog had been barking on and off for several hours.
So, while I may not have found you this morning, please be aware that if needed I will continue my nightly prowls until I find out which house is yours. I will then probably leave you a not-so-nice note on your door right before I call animal control. If you can't control your yapping dog, they can!
In closing, I don't care how long it takes, but I'll get you my pretty... and your little dog too!
Your not-at-all bitter, resentful, overly tired and grumpy neighbor Amy
Kids Say the Darnedest Things, Part 1
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