Open letter to Ms. Britney Spears

Britney, Britney, Britney…What have you done? How in the world did you let go of your precious children…to K-Fed. We need to talk about some things, and have as I like to put it, a “come to Jesus meeting”.

The world watched in wonder when you had your famous 55 hour marriage in Las Vegas and your record setting annulment. We were willing to chalk it up to being drunk and young. We saw you tramp into a public bathroom sans cheap flip-flops. We were willing to excuse you for that, even though it was disgusting, and I can only hope that you washed your feet really good that night. We watched you start to date Kevin Federline, even though you knew he was leaving his pregnant girlfriend and young child to come party with you. This doesn’t exactly make him marriage worthy, but whatever. Then you married him. Ahem…What? This is your Prince Charming. Seriously. You married someone who wants to be know by the world as K-Fed.

So you married a loser…plenty of people have done it. Get divorced and pretend it never happened just like before. Or maybe not. Then you decided (or accidently) had Sean Preston. First of all, let me just say how cute he is. Precious. I can only imagine how proud you were of him as you rode down the LA highway with him on your lap. I know, I know..the paparazzi were chasing you. If you promise to never do it again, I can let it go. Strapping your child into the car seat facing the wrong direction is also a big no-no, especially after your highway incident, but alas, maybe you simply didn’t know better. Lesson learned.

Then you had sweet little Jayden James. He definitely takes after his older brother and is adorable. You finally wised up and dumped that loser baggage named K-Fed. Here comes the fun stuff. You get to be a 20 something year old again. Whoo-hooo. Let’s hook up with the likes of Ms. Paris Hilton and Ms. Lindsey Lohan. They are such wonderful role models and can teach you things like “How to dress like a cheap hooker” and “Pole-dancing 101” and even “How to NOT wear your Hanes.” I know your mother was so proud…oh wait..you served her with legal papers that said she couldn’t be around you or your kids. Hmmm. That’s just sad. I won’t mention you shaving your head. I know you regret that.

Now the result of your on-going custody battle with your Babies Daddy is that you have lost custody of your children. That is SERIOUS. I have to wonder if you deliberately disobeyed the judges’ orders to not drink, party, do drugs, or abuse your children, although all of those demands sound totally reasonable to me when you remember that you are, first and foremost, a PARENT now.

Nevertheless, here’s what I’m gonna do for you Britney. Are you ready. The following will solve 99% of your problems, if you are willing to follow my instructions exactly.

1. Enter rehab. And complete Rehab for a change. Not some fruity, chic little center that will serve you green tea in bed while you contemplate life. I mean serious rehab where you actually deal with the crappy life that you have made for yourself. Then follow up with long term therapy.
2. Get right with your Mama. She may want access to your millions, but at the end of the day, she is your Mom, and she only wants you to be happy and healthy.
3. Surround yourself with people that will tell you “NO.” You seem to have gotten really used to having your way with people, and if you don’t like what they say, you fire them. No more. From here on you need to ask permission to do everything, until you figure out how to be a grown up. “Can I brush my teeth?” Yes. “Can I go party tonight?” No. “Do I have to wear panties?” Yes. Easy schmeazy.
4. Quit partying. Period. No more alcohol or drugs at all. Better yet, leave Hollywood for good. Pack up and never return.
5. Disappear for awhile. Find some quiet little place to escape to, like Kentwood, LA, where you can get a normal job. Maybe you could be a cashier at Wal-Mart to teach you the value of a dollar and the meaning of hard work. I think it would be good for you.
6. Parenting classes. Children need to be in bed at a decent hour, and I am sorry to inform you, but Cheetos and Mountain Dew don’t make a balanced meal.
6. Last but definitely the most important, get right with God. Somewhere deep down inside of you, there is a voice screaming that you know something better is out there. Listen to that voice and follow it to the nearest church where someone can show you the true meaning of happiness.

Britney, I hate to be so hard on you. I can’t even imagine how tough it is always being in the spotlight, but if you don’t change, you won’t be with us a year from now. I’m sorry to say that, but I am probably right. Take care, and if you need anything, or just need to chat you feel free to call anytime.

Sincerely,
Amy