I'm 29 And Offically An Old Fogie

I got behind two drivers on the interstate this morning that were driving 45 mph during rush hour with clear roads in front of them. Of course they were positioned where there was no way to pass them for about a mile. I normally try to live my life all “what would Jesus do” but in this case even Jesus would have honked the horn. I’m just saying…

Now to my real bloggy material.

Y’all, I’m confounded about something and I don’t know where else to turn. I figured the blog-o-sphere would be a good place to start. Here’s my problem: I’m perplexed by the male species, especially where skinny jeans, makeup and hair straighteners are concerned. I got in a discussion at break with two girls roughly my age, and we were discussing the emo trends that have taken over people under the age of 20. If you aren’t familiar with the phrase, “emo,” it basically is the latest version of a goth or a punk. When I was in highly school all the gothic kids stood outside year round, even in the freezing cold, wore black lipstick, and were so pale they looked like vampires. Now, this new trend of “I’m such a punk guy that I want to look like a girl” just makes me feel very, very old.

Let’s break it down a little:

First up, the skinny jeans. I’m confused as to who decided skinny jeans were appropriate for anyone, whether male or female. We’ve always been taught by fashion magazines and people like Stacy London that anything that tapers to the ankle is a bad look because it creates that whole inverted triangle shape. How then, may I ask, is a pair of jeans that are tapered to your entire lower body supposed to be a good look? I’ve seen people wearing these jeans that are petite, as well as people who are, ahem, not so petite, and I’ve yet to think that they look good on anyone. In fact, I saw a girl the other day at the mall that was so skinny it looked like her thighs had never been introduced to each other. Yet, despite her skinniness, even she couldn’t pull off the skinny jeans.

So, why may I ask, do guys think that skinny jeans would look good on them? Because seriously, it just makes you look gay.

Now I realize that not every male that wears skinny jeans is gay, but seriously, it just makes you look gay. If that’s not the look you are going for, then I highly suggest you move on past the skinny jeans into the land of Levi Strauss & Co.

And skinny jeans are not attractive no matter how much you strut your stuff, despite the fact that you think you are rocking your skinny jeans. You just look dumb.

And last but not least, I can’t help but wonder if one day when you outgrow this ridiculous fad, if you will still be left with the ability to have children, because seriously, you should be concerned with that. Unless you are gay.

Next up, guys wearing makeup, especially guyliner. When did this become acceptable for a guy to do if his name isn’t Gene Simmons? Isn’t part of the joy of being a male being a wash and wear species? Makeup is expensive and time consuming and for girls! Now in all fairness, I’ll give a makeup pass to newscasters and weather men and actors (but only while they are on set). Other than that, there is no reason on God’s green earth that men should be wearing makeup, but especially guyliner. For simplicity’s sake, I’m also going to include nail polish in this category, because no guy should be wearing nail polish. Ever. I know that you are going for the metrosexual, emo look, but the look you have actually achieved is that of stupidity.

And I’m really sorry to inform Ashlee Simpson Wentz of this, but your husband Pete looks gay.
And I realize that not every guy that wears makeup is gay, but once again I find myself at the crossroads of this debate wondering, “If you are not gay, or even if you are, why are you wearing makeup?” Also, I'm no relationship expert, but if your husband is wearing more makeup than you, you might want to question a few things about your marriage.

And finally, guys straightening their hair. I have a hair straightener. I use it daily. I love it. But at what point did a guy pick one up, use it, and then say to themselves, “This is the manly, sexy look that I’m going for.” It’s time like these that I wish I had use of a time machine to go back in time, find that guy, and smack him around, because seriously, men with straightened hair is just wrong.

Need I say more?

If you combine all these bad looks together you get this:

American Idol runner up, Adam Lambert, who was almost the reason that I swore off ever watching that show again.

He alone could win my argument that men who wear skinny jeans, use makeup, and straighten their hair look ridiculous. Because any guy that makes appearance choices like that is only one bad decision away from performing on live television looking like this:

And then one more bad choice away from releasing an album that looks like this:

I rest my case.