Only In Wade's World

I think we have pretty much established that I have a very accident prone husband. If something can happen to him, it always does. Remember the cut that required stitches? Or the broken elbow that happened on Jackson's birthday? Or the dislocated knee that happened a week before our cruise?

Today's our 8th anniversary. Wanna know what's going on now?

Last night Jeremy decided to take my huge Rubbermaid container of Christmas stuff back up into the attic despite the fact that I told him not to worry about and that we would get to it later. No, Jeremy had to take the container up last night. If he had just listened to me, none of this would have happened, but I'm not going to stoop low and play that card.

I was busy sitting at a tv tray finishing our Christmas cards, Jackson was busy playing in the living room floor and Jeremy had put the container up in the attic and was on his way down when a big 'ol heaping pile of Jeremy fell down the attic stairs into a lump on the floor.

Jackson and I both looked at each other and then ran over to see what had happened. I moved a wreath that had fallen on top of Jeremy in the crash and Jeremy was rolling around in the floor and Jackson was just looking at both of us like "what in the world is going on here." I may or may not have started laughing (not at Jeremy by any means, but at the whole "Icannotbelivethisishappening" side of things.

I helped Jeremy up and we quickly decide that more than likely he has a cracked rib, which unfortunately, nothing can be done for. We made a call to Amy's husband Adam who is like our resident on-call-go-to-guy for Jeremy's injuries and he confirmed that unless Jeremy was coughing up blood or having trouble breathing, that there was no reason to go to the doctor. Jeremy was not very happy at the whole situation but quickly started laughing when he and Jackson had the following conversation:

Jackson: "What happened to you Daddy?"
Jeremy: "I got hurt. I think I broke a rib?"
Jackson: "How did you get hurt?"
Jeremy: "I fell down."
Jackson: "Again?"

You see, Jackson has been witness to most of Jeremy's accidents and the whole conversation had Jeremy and I cracking up (no pun intended!). And if you ask Jeremy he will tell you that he fell down at least 6 stairs. I think it was more like 3, but it's not worth an argument.

But just wait...the story is about to get better and take on the "Only in Wade's World" twist!

As Jeremy was standing around the living room waiting for his parents to call us back so he could tell them what happened, neither of us noticed that Jackson was down in the floor busy wrapping one of Jeremy's ties pretty tightly around Jeremy's ankles.

Picture that for a second.

Now picture the phone ringing and Jeremy starting to move to answer it. With his feet still tied up.

You got it! Jeremy hit the ground like a giant from a Disney cartoon and Jackson starts wailing because he thinks that he's in major trouble for making his Daddy fall down again. I fought the temptation to just give up and sit down in the corner in the fetal position and start sucking my thumb. Instead I just took care of the boys and prayed for bedtime to come faster.

Because only in Wade's World does stuff like this happen....

And yes, Jeremy is going to the doctor today, even though he knows that nothing can be done about a cracked or broken rib. He's thorough like that. And if the Christmas cards don't get done this year it's just too bad!

Exciting and Life Changing News

Jeremy and I recently discovered something that was totally life changing and exciting.

It’s big.

Really big.

Bigger than big.

And no, it has nothing to do with this.

But has everything to do with this: Our dryer, that came with our house, has been drying slow. As in, you could hang clothes outside on a wet day and they would dry faster than they would if they were in our dryer. I’m not exaggerating at all when I say that it was taking us almost 4 hours to dry a single load of clothes.

And I’m graying faster than that.

Jeremy and I recently found out that our dryer has a hidden compartment on the back of the dryer.

And no, it’s not where the missing socks are hiding out. We’re still looking for that compartment.

I’m talking about the hole in the back of the dryer that that big silver tube thingy is attached to. Apparently, and this was news to Jeremy and I, you can take that tube thingy off and reach up into the bowels of the dryer and clean out all the old lint that accumulated in the six years that you have had the dryer.

And you may or may not pull out a pile of old lint that is almost as big as your head.

And it may gross you out to see what has been living in your dryer for six years.

And, as your husband is reaching into the depths of the dryer, you may gently remind him to not get his hand stuck because you really don’t want to be “that” person who called 911 because your husband got his hand stuck in the backside of a dryer.

And your husband my tell you not to worry because, in his words, “You wouldn’t have to worry about calling 911 if I got my hand stuck because I would pull my hand off before I would let you call 911 because I was ‘that’ person who got their hand stuck in the backside of a dryer.”

And after you get an embarrassingly big pile of lint out of the rear end of your dryer, your dryer will completely dry a load of clothes (including towels, because seriously, who has time to separate) in less than 45 minutes.

That’s less than an hour y’all, from 4 hours of non-stop-drying-and-for-the-love-when-will-they-be-dry life that we were leading. And that my friends, is life changing news on the power bill front.

And now, if you will excuse me, I’m going to drop my huge pile of lint into my carbon footprint, or shove it down Al Gore’s throat; I haven’t quite decided which yet. I think a big side of lint would go nicely with all that global warming garbage he’s been feeding us.

The end.

Leave it to the Wade's to effectively prove that cleaning your house is in fact dangerous...

I've had it. My house is about to explode with "stuff". Tons of it. Embarrassing amounts of it. We have so much stuff that I don't know how our attic floor hasn't fallen through. Enough is enough! I've made it my mission to get rid of tons of it. I don't care if it is given away, sold, or trashed...I just want it gone! I'm a woman on a mission!!

So, brilliant me decided to head up into the attic last night to begin the process. I was so excited about getting started that I even decided to forgo eating supper. That's dedication! I pulled the attic door down and because Jackson loves to climb into the attic, and since that could perhaps be slightly dangerous, I had Jeremy raise just the lower portion of the attic ladder up so Jackson couldn't reach it. So effectively, I was trapped in the attic (at Jeremy's mercy) although I could still see down the stairs. Looking back I see how weird it is that I willingly allowed myself to become trapped in the attic, but it wasn't like the attic door was completely closed. Because I couldn't be interrupted, I was a mad woman getting rid of stuff. I was on fire! I would make piles (trash, keep, or give away to family, friends, or church) and then pass them down the stairs to Jeremy and then he would take them out to the back porch for the time being. Everything was going great, and I was really working my way through the attic.

Until....

I came across a box lid full of small, square glass vases. I quickly decided to put them in the pile to give away and had Jeremy carry them out to the back porch. Because it was raining, Jeremy had been putting our "go through with family pile" in Jackson's playhouse on the back porch. When Jeremy tried to fit this box lid full of glass vases through the playhouse door, it wouldn't fit and the vases tipped and started falling. Jeremy tried his best to catch the vases before they fell and basically grabbed one of them as soon as it broke on the back porch.

Oh mercy...the blood.

Keep in mind that I'm stuck in the attic. As in, there is no way for me to get out without Jeremy lowering the ladder down for me. From the attic I hear the back door opening, and then immediately hear breaking glass. the back door opening again, and Jeremy call out, "Um. Amy...I need some help. I'm bleeding pretty bad."

I'm still stuck in the attic.

Finally Jeremy appears and pulls the attic ladder all the way down, and it is just chaos. Jeremy is bleeding, Jackson is crying because Daddy is hurt, and I'm just running around crazy trying to find a red hand towel to put pressure on the cut to get it to stop bleeding. Jeremy is running his left thumb under the faucet and every time he pulls it out it is just gushing blood. Usually I don't get sick at the sight of blood, but this was bleeding so much that I started gagging. The phrase "bleeding like a stuck hog" comes to mind.

Now we have Jeremy bleeding, Jackson crying, and me gagging.

Finally we get it together and just as I'm getting us ready to go take Jeremy for stitches, we get the bleeding under control and Jeremy decides that he can drive himself to Pri-Med. 2 hours, 6 shots of lidocaine directly into his thumb, and 2 stitches later, he gets back home almost in one piece.

So there you have it: Cleaning has now been proven to be dangerous for your health. Jeremy has the stitches to prove it...